Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the RAC have more responsible employees.


People think Stephen Hawking is so clever, but when you ask him a question and he is typing in the answer on his little screen, how do we know he isn't just looking up the answer on the Internet???????????


The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up!


Pizza Hut's so-called 'unlimited refills' are a joke. You try going back with your glass a week later. They won't serve you!


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
UPSET WIFE
She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
The wife was VERY upset!
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me-a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you I want a divorce straight away!"
And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened"
"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And he began: "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at that expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them."
He took a quick breath and continued: "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said "Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

PML

lol

Hole In The Fence

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'
The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening, If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.'
Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
from deep inside He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.


The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!' He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might.....
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.....






(Get ready, this will kill ya),












NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'
The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening, If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.'
Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
from deep inside He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.


The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!' He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might.....
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.....






(Get ready, this will kill ya),












NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!

Two Jehovah's Witnesses were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. The woman told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to discuss religion and then slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open.
Seeing the two Witnesses still standing at the door infuriated her further.
She stormed back to the door and flung it shut, but the door still didn't close.
She grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could, but again, the door wouldn't shut.
Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.
Just then, one of the JWs said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."

> Son asked his mother the following question:
>
> 'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies,
>
> 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
>
> The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.
>
> 'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
>
> The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
>
> 'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
>

HA HA HA

Good jokes

Two men are walking down the road and see a dog licking its balls.
The first man says: "Gee, I wish I could do that."
The second man replies: "Better pet him first. He might bite."

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can't be found.
So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend and drives forward saving the horse from sinking.
A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken tells the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse says: "I think I can get you out."
So he stretches over the width of the hole and says: "Grab hold of my 'thing' and pull yourself up."
The chicken does this and is pulled to safety. Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

On a train from London to Manchester an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. “You English are too stiff. You set yourself apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips make you above the rest of us. Look at me… I’m me. I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?”

The Englishman replied, “Very sporting of your mother.”

A teacher, a dustman and a lawyer find themselves waiting outside the pearly gates.
Eventually, St Peter emerges and informs them that in order to get to heaven, they'll each have to answer one question. St Peter turns to the teacher.
"What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They made a movie about it."
The teacher answers quickly, "That would be Titanic." St Peter lets him through the gates.
He then turns to the dustman and asks: "How many people died on the ship?" Unfortunately, the dustman has just seen the DVD.
1,228," he answers. "That's right! You may enter."
St Peter then turns to the lawyer. "Name them."

The first says: "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The second then starts: "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."
Then the third pipes up. "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies their friend, "but it happened to my sister keep smiling!!!!!!

A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'
The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'
'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.
'Your turn,' says the man.
'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'

lol

.THE GRASS ALWAYS LOOKS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE..
Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for
good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing
to showfor it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to
tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair
and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new
negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are
moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife


Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true
that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say
anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you
always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't
get a dime from me. So take care.
>>
>>P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was
born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
>>
>>Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
_________________

A Chinese couple get married - and she's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is none too experienced either.
On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring" he says,
"I know dis you fus time and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you
anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you wan, you say. Whatchou
wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress
his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
request.

She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wanna 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries.........



"You want... Beef wif Broccori."?

Dear all


I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we could all do with a little calm.
By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace.

The article read:

"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish off all the things you have started". So I looked round the house to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished. And before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Baileys, three Bacardi Breezers, the Jack Daniels, the Prozac, some Valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how bloody good I feel.

A dustman is going along the street picking up wheely bins. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, so after a quick look, he knocks on the door. Eventually, a Japanese man answers.....
"Harro", he says.
"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman.
"I bin on toiret" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.
"No mate, where's ya dust bin?"
"I dust bin having a sh*t" says the Japanese man looking a little sheepish. "Mate", says the dustman ...."you're misunderstanding me ..where's your wheely bin?"
"OK, OK", says the Japanese guy now looking very guilty.
"I wheely bin having a w*nk"

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because
it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was
perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that
one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for
dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl
where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his
underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened."

"But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in

Run your mouse over the people at the bus stop!

http://www.fun.from.hell.pl/2003-02-18/peeping.swf

I'm loving the bus stop!!
In future, can you put anything with an adult theme into the 'over 18s' category, ta

Ok Nicky,will do (genuine mistake sorry!)

just made my morning thanks

lol

loved them, expecially the bus stop

ellish them like !